Jerry's Kundalini Experience
My energy awakened in September, 1992 after doing several months of intense vipassana meditation practice, followed by a week at the zen gardens in Kyoto, Japan. It seemed to shoot out of my brow chakra, and I've had constant movement and sensation at brow ever since. I had to stop meditating for a couple months. Then, with the advice of a meditation teacher, I continued to use vipassana techniques for 6 months, which consisted of simply observing the energy with mindfulness and with as much equanimity as possible. During this initial period I had few problems and thought then that kundalini was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me.
Mostly my experience consisted of powerful energy flows. Any focusing would produce instant movement at the brow chakra. I was hypersensitive to sound and had a constant ringing and whistling sound in my ears (it's still there today). I attended a couple vipassana retreats, at which I simply focused on the energy, and the flows became especially powerful. It sometimes felt as if my skull was being worked on or bathed in light, or as if I was traveling in space. I felt several times as if I was on the brink of some ultimate experience. When it became clear my vipassana teacher had little interest in my experiences, I called several zen centers around the country. I received the same response: they had either no knowledge or interest in kundalini. I then called my old sufi teacher, who showed considerable interest and invited me to do a solo retreat.
My problems began after I did pranayama practices which had been given to me at the retreat I did with my sufi teacher. The practices included alternate nostril breathing with breath retention and visualizations. As a result of doing these practices for several weeks I developed a constant headache at brow and crown chakras that was particularly exacerbated by attempting to meditate or even focus in any way. For 1&1/2 yrs I looked for help with this problem without success.
A supposedly famous chi kung master from China was in my city (Cincinnati) and I did a weekend workshop with him -- instead of helping it made the headaches much worse. I went to a high Tibetan lama, who told me that I would have to forget about being able to meditate for a long time. I took what he said seriously, but I was already headed to a retreat with Swami Chetanananda in the Kashmir Shaivism tradition.
I attended that retreat in August, 1994. In this tradition the swami's primary function is to act as an energy field for the student in the transmission of kundalini. To my amazement, when I sat with Swami, in his powerful energy, I was able to meditate without achiness in my head. I did 4 retreats with him over the next year. Although my headaches didn't go away, I felt my condition was improving. Although he had hundreds of students, Swami gave me personal attention, and there was great chemistry between us. I thought I'd found my teacher.
However, shortly after a retreat with Swami in August, 1995 I became violently ill. I vomited and had nausea for several weeks; my blood pressure and pulse soared; I had vertigo so bad I couldn't drive a car; I could barely eat, at times going weeks without being able to do so, and after 3 months had lost 20% of my body weight. I had never been so sick in my life, and it actually took several weeks before I realized (after my doctor could find nothing medically wrong) the energy and the work with swami had caused all this to happen. I wrote to him, explaining this and asked for his advice. He informed me through his secretary that I should work the problems out on my own. This was a blow to me. But my confidence in him was shaken, and I think inwardly I knew that it was the only way.
During the period extending from the date of the last contact with my swami (December, 1995) until March, 2001 my GI difficulties continued to gradually improve. I had to eat a fairly bland diet and had to sleep semi-reclining to reduce bloating from gas. If I tried to do any focusing with the breath, the energy would immediately invade my stomach, causing a nauseous feeling, so I could do no spiritual practice. This persisted from December, 1995 for nearly 6 years. But my condition was quite tolerable and felt stable. Also, while there continued to be a strong concentration of energy at the brow chakra, the energy also continued to be blocked in the head chakras, with very gradual improvement.
To my great chagrin, there's been very little in the way of mystical or paranormal experience, although during the first 6 months there were times I wasn't sure. I had two very powerful "kundalini dreams" in the late 90s -- one was so vivid that it felt like a visitation from a powerful swami, who performed miracles and bestowed blessings on me and sternly admonished not to lose faith, after which I awakened feeling like I'd had shaktipat. If it was a visitation, the swami never returned.
Other problems: My sexual functioning has been affected from the very beginning. I experienced orgasms more at my brow chakra than anywhere else. For many years sexual potency was markedly reduced, such that I was unable to have a full erection and could barely have an orgasm. Also an orgasm will produce a tired, hung over effect for days. It's been clear that sex is not part of this process, causing it to be absent from my life since 1992, other than rare instances of masturbation. Although never married, I was still looking for someone special until my process got radical in 95. Since then, a relationship has been out of the question.
I've had a low back condition since 1997 which has made it difficult to remain seated for any period of time, without a heating pad. This has severely restricted travel and being able to do anything socially. I suspected this was partly related to the energy, which is known to cause low back pain. Diagnostic tests were ambiguous and doctors were unable to give a clear diagnosis. Then my low back condition became worse after a lifting accident in November, 2002. An MRI revealed a bulging lumbar disc with stenosis. I have been extremely limited in my activities in recent years because of this.
Undergoing x-rays on my back led to a startling discovery in 1998: a significant case of osteoporosis. Follow up tests revealed only one possible cause: low testosterone (testosterone level affects calcium absorption in men as estrogen does in women). The low testosterone didn't surprise me, given the effect of the energy on my sexual potency. I feel the energy caused me to develop osteoporosis. I have no known family history or other risk factors for this disease, which my doctor, who told me he was shocked, said was extremely uncommon in men my age. A few yrs ago, my sexual potency having improved, I tested normal for testosterone level. I haven't retested for osteoporosis to see if that has also improved. There are no outward signs of it.
Because of the energy I have been unable to take medicines. I'm unable to take any of the drugs on the market for GI problems and must rely on antacids, which are woefully inadequate for the severe acid/gas attacks caused by the energy. I never had a problem taking medicine before. As much as I need help for my problems, I've avoided doctors because of this. Although the alternative medical community is more understanding, my energy system is too sensitive for most forms of alternative medicine also.
In the early years of K, I went to many different types of energy workers and healers and either got no relief or was made worse. In 97 I consulted with Joan Harrigan and her swami. They diagnosed my condition as an intermediate K rising with blockage at the throat chakra. They felt it had risen in a previous life. They also said I shouldn't have had any problems, but for the fact that others had intervened incompetently in the process. I've found that getting bodywork often produces an adverse reaction and an aggravation of the back problem. Nevertheless, I was getting regular massages until 2 yrs ago when my GI condition made it too difficult to lie flat on a table. I've tried to undergo traction treatments from a chiropractor twice for my back in the last 2 yrs, but again lying flat for very long just creates too much GI distress.
In March, 2001 I received acupuncture from a western MD, because I was impressed with his knowledge of Chinese and Indian energy systems. Unfortunately, this procedure, which is normally harmless for most individuals, was a disaster. It wreaked even greater havoc on my GI tract, increasing the gas in my stomach to an intolerable level. I was forced onto a bland, semi-liquid diet, and my GI tract has never returned to where it was before the acupuncture. I should note that I'd had acupuncture twice before with little effect. I believe it was the particular way he did this one that caused such a radical result.
The most bizarre and pervasive effect of the acupuncture was hyper-sensitivity to energy. Prior to the acupuncture it wasn't very pronounced with me. ln fact, I was unconcerned enough that in 2000, I allowed a group of Tibetan monks to use the upstairs of my 2-family home as their monastery. For the first four months they were there I could feel their energy at times, but it wasn't a problem. However, immediately after the acupuncture the hyper-sensitivity began. The new hyper-sensitivity to the monks' energy made the GI gas problem intolerable. I dearly loved having the monks here, but because their presence made me ill, I had to ask them to leave.
However, having the monks leave did not resolve the energy hyper-sensitivity problem. In fact, it grew much worse. For about a year my sensitivity was so acute that I had to isolate myself. Even going to buy groceries was a problem, so I'd go early in the morning when the store was nearly empty. I'd use the drive-up window at the bank rather than risk going inside. I found I couldn't have any work done even outside my house without reacting to workers. I couldn't be around family and friends. In fact, I couldn't even talk to many of them on the phone without having a reaction.
It was when the hyper-sensitivity was at its worst that I felt I needed to risk another intervention, so I received two Reiki Tummo attunements. Because I've been unable to travel for years, I received RT long distance by Rama. Immediately after the first attunement, in December, 2002, I felt better: The very next day the hyper-sensitivity felt improved such that I felt confident enough to go out freely in public for the first time in a year. My brow and crown chakras felt more open than they had for 10 years, enabling the energy to flow more freely.
The attunement wasn't a total success, however. The energy still caused problems with excessive gas in my stomach, especially if I did the practices that were part of the RT program. Rama told me that this would improve after I had RT 2, so with some reservation I received the RT 2 attunement on New Year's 2003, one week after RT 1. Unlike with RT 1, my system did not react well to RT 2. It felt like I was overloaded with energy, and as always, the effect was worst in my stomach, with excessive gas wreaking havoc on my eating and sleeping. Also, my head chakras felt blocked again, and I had severe headaches.
Rama was generous with doing follow up work, and with his help, within a few months the side effects were better. By September, 2003 -- 9 months after receiving the two attunements -- the GI gas was much improved. For the first time in 7 years I could focus with the breath without feeling my stomach immediately being invaded by the energy. Also I was able to do very light meditation for the first time in 10 years without experiencing either headaches or GI problems. And I was gradually able to expand my diet back to more of the higher fiber vegetarian foods I'd always eaten.
My brow and crown chakras still did not feel fully open yet, and I still had to deal with some GI gas. Also, I still couldn't do practices recommended by Rama without causing worse GI gas. But there was progress over the next 2 years, and I was optimistic that the worst was behind me and that my energy process would continue to improve..
All of this changed in January, 2006 when I began to experience severe GI gas all over again as the result of my energy becoming much more intense. The symptoms have included heat on a daily basis, especially in my head. When this occurs I notice that my ears get hot and turn bright red. The pulsation in the area of the brow chakra, which has basically been present on a continuous basis ever since my energy awakened, is now stronger.
I not only can't do even very light meditation, I can't even read spiritual literature without intensifying the energy. My head often feels overloaded with energy and achy. Often the pulsation at my brow seems like a message that my system wants me to meditate, but if I focus even slightly I'll soon suffer severe GI gas. Any sexual stimulation also causes GI distress. Certain postures also cause the energy to intensify. I've had swelling of the left leg and foot. Normally, simply elevating the left leg resolves this. But if I sit with my left leg up, the energy intensifies, creating major GI distress. This is a real problem.
Ever since January, 2006 I've been forced again to eat only the softest, blandest foods on a semi-liquid diet.The problems with acid and gas in my stomach have remained at a level which makes it difficult to function. It's much less predictable than before, and I never know from one hour to the next when I'll have an attack. Whereas before the GI problems occurred mostly late at nite, now it's 24 hrs a day.
When it gets bad my only recourse is to Tums and DGL licorice extract. It also appears to involve my colon now, with lower GI gas, acid, abdominal pains and bowel problems. I spoke to Rama about repeating the RT attunements not long ago, but he didn't advise it. I'm still not seeing a doctor, as bad as my GI tract is, because I can't take drugs and it feels clear that the energy is still the root cause, regardless of what else may be going on, and invasive testing would be extremely stressful to my system.
Naturally, the physical problems, the resulting isolation and loss of quality of life have taken an enormous toll emotionally. All of my relationships have suffered, particularly those with family members. My life has become so small, so limited by my low back, GI and other problems. I'm dying to break out, but I feel as if I have no support -- none from my body, my energy system, any spiritual practice or any thing or anyone who can help me. Still, I feel blessed for the life I've had and try to feel grateful for each new day. jerry weinstein, March, 2008
© Copyright Jerry Weinstein 2005