A Child Under The Stars
I am going to try to contribute with my story. It is not easy, as you know to speak of those things. Just the though of certain things bring tears and inability to think, or read straight. Although my story is similar to many I read, it happened to me earlier and without practice.Happened, is the key word for I never asked form anything and received the curse/blessing of spontaneous awakening. All that ever happened to me was involuntary and unmerited. I never had any special spiritual training and was often not spiritual at all. I achieved things that trained monks try to seek in a lifetime of meditation, but I have no merit for them and know the pitfalls of the Ego. So, here is my story.
As far as I can remember, I felt the energy around me. I had a particular upbringing and was very spiritual as a child. I come from a culture that have never heard of energy practices. My teenage hood was a nightmare. I though I was being possessed by evil entities. Almost everyday a great energy would try to possess me going from the feet to the upper levels.
When that happened I was pinned down on my bed. I had also occurrences of light bulbs exploding, hearing beings, roars, demons…the worst though was that during years I had huge headaches everyday. I did badly at school. Also I felt into a deep depression and was inches from suicide and loosing mental health. At the time I was trying to stop, deny those energies, and of course it was worse.
What saved me was a trip to India, when still a teenager. There I progressively learned about energy matters. I found a book about Kundalini, and started to read it. I tried some exercises for 5 minutes, that same night, my belly opened. It was horrible, but at least by that time I knew it was coming from me and not an evil entity so, I accepted it. I was pinned against my bed by a huge stick in my belly, it was not painful but I couldn’t move. It lasted for many hours, I had so many different sensations and experiences, but at least I wasn’t scared to death, I accepted them. After that I could not eat for 15 days and had a constant diarrhea. Cleansing I think, none of it was painful. I didn’t eat because I didn’t feel hungry, not because I couldn’t eat. At that time the energy also tried to burst the fourth. Shortly after that, I became vegetarian and stopped smoking, it happened naturally. So gradually I accepted more and more energy in my body.
Before that opening, or bursting to be more precise, I felt like I had 220 volts shocks circling my body, after that I felt like a high tension line of thousandths of volts and since few years I feel like I am an atomic power station. Slowly through the years my body was able to hold more and more energy. Back in those days, I felt like intense heat generate from the belly, also jerking, and energy lifting me (although I never physically levitated). Because of the book I had, I was not too scared; I started meditating a little when I needed. Also because of the pin in my chest I started doing visualizations on the heart.
After six month the heart opened. It was smoother and more controlled than the belly had been. I was in love, in universal love. I started falling in love with everything from the trees to the sky to the dirty trashcan. I was in constant immersion of love for six month. I was still in high school at the time and it was not easy, I was trying to concentrate on lectures and speak with friends while in bliss. I was very intense; I also had, and still have orgasmic moments where every cell of my body would vibrate at the same time.
It took me few years to adapt to all those sensations. I started to control the process and be able to close or open a charka when I wanted. Also, everyday, I felt big pressure from the other chakras, they wanted to burst too, but they didn’t, it was most uncomfortable to say the less. At that time I started to see auras, also I was able to manipulate energy.
The next few years were less clear to what opened or not. I will try to organize it. My ego was one of the victims of that; I sometimes thought I was a prophet and even a god. Now I realize that those are pitfalls, and that indeed I am a god but so is everybody else. I gradually started to remember past lives. I heard celestial music. I lived many experiences. Also, at the age of 20, I started teaching groups of yogis about energy and healing. I don’t do that any more for I know that I am not supposed to be a guru in this life.
I tried a lot of different spiritual techniques at the time. In general, in about 5 minutes, I would acquire techniques that require years of formal training. I don’t think I learned anything, but I just remembered how to do it. I would just need a small stimulus as for the kundalini. By the time of my second trip to India at age 21, I had partially opened the throat, the third eye and head. In India, I had many spiritual encounters that confirmed that I was not crazy and that I was at the level I though I was. Also at dharamsala, in the library of the Dalai Lama, I found a book about spontaneous openings, that was the first time I was exposed to that.
Those years where not easy, you have to remember that I never asked for those things so I tried to drown them. Not denying them but blunting them so I could have at least a semblance of normal life. I found ways to dampen the sensations and lower my spiritual state. I was drinking everyday, I restarted smoking, I masturbated…it is like a conflict with my higher being, he wants me to reach illumination and I want a normal life. So I have those, maybe cowardly ways to strike back. I never had a normal life, nor a normal girlfriend. I am also afraid that if I push the energy it’s going to burst on me…
Then last year something happened. To explain it properly I have to go back to my teenage hood. The most terrifying moment, when I was around 15, was a night when I woke up paralyzed. There was an intense presence in my room that pinned me down and energy was passing through my bones. There was a gigantic face in the corner of the room. I couldn’t do anything but pray, I though I was going to die. I felt the presence as incredibly foreign and powerful. I thought Satan, was there, not just a mere demon. It was incredibly terrifying. After a while it just left. I couldn’t go back to sleep, and for years after that I fought every night to go to sleep after sunrise for I was terrified that I would sleep and that thing come back....
Now, last summer it happened again. Only I have had years of dealing with energy. I was going to sleep, when suddenly it was there. A presence that nothing could escape from. My first though was that I was going to die. It was incredibly powerful, it was transpiercing me with rays, it was incredibly and utterly foreign.
When it left I was devastated. It had played havoc with my body. Only I was not terrified anymore. I started suspecting something when I monitored my energy, it was different. Also, that night, I had been reading the six yogas of naropa. Over the next few days, I found that my crown was open. Also my energy center was coming down on me, not up from the earth.
The only thing I think that entity could have been was god. The more I though about it the more certain I was. The problem is that I believe is a loving god, and when I partially opened my throat, I united with the universe and I went to a place where souls were going, a kind of sun, and it was warm and full of love. The being that I experienced was an IT, Something so outside of human experience that I could not start to comprehend it. I though back on the way Krishnamurti described that being.
I am a little devastated because I am certain now, that it could have been only god, and terrified by my finding. Such a being is so alien that it could not comprehend the concept of Love. During my stages before I was with the universe, and I though I knew infinity. But that thing that came was beyond that. It is very hard for me to try to explain. It was such a power, that it transcended anything I have ever felt. I know that there could be no union with such a thing. It was just too much. Still it visited twice, for reasons of it’s own.
I felt those reasons were beyond my comprehension. It never came when I needed it or asked it or seeked it. I came to find me unprepared and devastated me. I don’t see god that way, and I want no dealing with such entity, although it’s behavior lets me see that I have no choice in the matter.
Anyway, after it left, my energy was changed, almost like it put me though the grinder to refine it. I don’t know how to describe it. It was finer, subtler. Also the crown was the center of it. It was a little like a different level of energy. After few weeks It calmed down a little, I have been able to shut it down a little. I am afraid to explore it for I still want a normal life. Otherwise, I am still just a guy with no wisdom or knowledge.
All that happened to me by itself. I still don’t understand many things. For example the siddhis. From everything I see, my charkas opened, but I have no siddhis. I have acquired some small stuff that I described earlier, but nothing real big. It is not that I am power hungry but it would be a nice confirmation of certain things. I need to know and I don’t. Also my energy often requires it for example often when I walk my energy makes me feel I could jump in top of buildings and tries to do it. Of course I have never been able to do anything like that but my energy insists.
Also it wants to displace things mentally. I don’t know if my body remembers a time when it could do those things or if I read too much science fiction and self indulged myself. But my body still wants to try sometimes, and it’s painful to hit a wall while trying to pass through it. My rational mind knows I can’t but my body wants to try. One of the common one is teleportation, at least when it does that I have no hurt, just frustration that I am not able to do it. Even a simple thing like astral travel, that many people are able to do. My energy wants to try to go out and I end up convulsing like an epileptic. My body seems to hold onto the energy that’s trying to go out. Although there have been many failed attempts my energy still tries to do it.
There are so many things that I don’t understand. I feel like a kid that has been given a gun. I have the power to do it but not the instructions to do it properly. The literature is no help for I find that most authors have no idea of what I am talking about. I guess I would need a master but; there are so many problems in that option too.
Please, if you have any comments or suggestions you could send them to redasef@yahoo.com or phoenixnest@hotmail.com.